like the warm air of a departing afternoon,
you surround me.

It's almost midnight. About to start writing my week-late paper. Meeting with Mickenberg tomorrow to discuss 'my problems in school' which she sensed after reading my journal reflection. I really have had problems in school this semester, serious ones. Funny enough, three grades have been finalized. A, A-, B, with no worse than B (and possibilities for an A-) guaranteed in my Ibsen class and depending on Mickenberg's disposition I'll probably do okay in 1960's. Lol. So much for failing. I don't know how I get away with this kind of shit. This semester will probably end up being one of my better ones.

Been cooped up here with David doing the research. He's in the same boat as I am, except his paper is 16 pages and has to be in Spanish. It's strange. Now that the deadline has been blurred I don't feel as though the assignment is a burden, it's actually somewhat enjoyable. As it should be.



Listening to the best section of any song ever recorded. This Will Destroy You's 'The World Is Ours', from 3:54 - 5:31 (and some after) is seriously incredible. Of course I'm the only person weird enough to just sit and listen to that 90 seconds over and over for an hour.

Thinking about things. Wondering what my vision is. Wondering how it is that I have everything so good yet want out all the same. Great friends, great school, great city, great family. Great dog. Great life. Great. Great possibilities, passions. Great. Don't like being emotionally invested in anything other than the Twilight Hours yet want to be a part of everyone and everything everywhere. Where to go from here. Why to go there. My past fuels me, for better or worse. So dependent on keeping it around.

I want to move.

I wonder what Guss is doing.

This was in June of 2006, taken on my first-ever camera, a Kodak Easyshare CX7530. Oh man. Steph, Haley, and I were trekking through Ham Hill all day as a farewell excursion- I was leaving in a few weeks. It was a very warm day. We found a herd of cows and Steph chased them off (which I have a video of). Steph's mom had just moved out to that area. I remember thinking how nice it would be to live out there as opposed to the city center. The roads curved so wonderfully. The town felt so detached, which is what I liked about it.

It's weird to think this day happened.

I figure if the only reason I'm keeping this blog is to have a record of memories other than my journal then I might as well get to the memory part. Editing new photos takes too long for daily uploads, so I will try to find an old one on my portable hard-drive to upload and write about for a paragraph or two. Don't want to lose sight, no sir.

so they left us there to lie alone,
they never came again,
and the papers never told the world
it was us who brought our end.

2007

The end is near, as someone once said. Not long now before this semester is over. I suppose I have been trying pretty hard to do badly in school, but it won't let me. Here I am, King Masochismo, Hjalmar Ekdal himself, desperate for something dramatic to use as a catalyst for change. I can change irrespective of whether I get good grades or not, idiot. Oh well.

I've learned too much this semester, about life and the beauty of it. Perhaps that is what has made me so desperate to get away from 'it' for a while. I feel too involved in all things but myself. Sure, we are the summation of outward processes and life experiences too, but I think in my desperation to change all the things that made me inhuman I lost sight of the things that make me whole. Where did those things go? They were never really the problem.

I used to adore being arrogant in school, being that person in class who answers every question and challenges every assumption (is that arrogance? no, but it inspired me either way). I think that happened once this semester, on the last day of class. I felt like the floodgates burst. I could have gone off for hours. I miss that feeling. I miss being that student who would go into professors' offices after every class and rant about the material while they would sit calmly with their hands folded, listening. I miss being overly health-conscious and rigid with my diet. I miss being introvert. I miss playing sports. I miss being extremely, extremely, extremely vain. Well, not so much vain as interested in style.

At this point I would go on and say all the things that I can now do that I couldn't do in the past but I'd rather study.

I want to go home,
wherever that is.
London
Capitola
San Francisco
New Mexico
Austin
Boston
New York
anywhere
everywhere