The end is near, as someone once said. Not long now before this semester is over. I suppose I have been trying pretty hard to do badly in school, but it won't let me. Here I am, King Masochismo, Hjalmar Ekdal himself, desperate for something dramatic to use as a catalyst for change. I can change irrespective of whether I get good grades or not, idiot. Oh well.
I've learned too much this semester, about life and the beauty of it. Perhaps that is what has made me so desperate to get away from 'it' for a while. I feel too involved in all things but myself. Sure, we are the summation of outward processes and life experiences too, but I think in my desperation to change all the things that made me inhuman I lost sight of the things that make me whole. Where did those things go? They were never really the problem.
I used to adore being arrogant in school, being that person in class who answers every question and challenges every assumption (is that arrogance? no, but it inspired me either way). I think that happened once this semester, on the last day of class. I felt like the floodgates burst. I could have gone off for hours. I miss that feeling. I miss being that student who would go into professors' offices after every class and rant about the material while they would sit calmly with their hands folded, listening. I miss being overly health-conscious and rigid with my diet. I miss being introvert. I miss playing sports. I miss being extremely, extremely, extremely vain. Well, not so much vain as interested in style.
At this point I would go on and say all the things that I can now do that I couldn't do in the past but I'd rather study.
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