The super bowl

Even before the distant kick-off hundreds of miles away I felt the gnawing sickness of a man awaiting a certain death.
I have never made sense of my paradoxical, obsessive-compulsive relationship with the sporting world, and it's likely I never will.

In 2001 I was the only person in my sixth grade class that 'wanted' the Patriots to win the Super Bowl. Two years later I nauseatingly watched Tom Brady and Co. beat my beloved Carolina Panthers, who yo-yo'd me through a playoff run that at one point had me entering a comatose state of anxiety before my Mother told me that "the game isn't over" right before Jake Delhomme chunked some massive TD to Steve Smith to win the game and send them to the conference championships.
I went to school the next day after the Super Bowl a few weeks later wearing a shirt that I had scrawled "I hate Tom Brady" over the front. I wish I still had it.

He just threw a TD to give them the lead before half against the Giants. I want to cry I'm so pleased for him. The same person I hated so much.

When the Patriots beat the Eagles in 2004 I don't think I really cared. I woke up a few minutes after the game had ended, it being 3 am in England after all. Good for them, I may have muttered.

When they lost the chance at 19-0 in 2008 I punched a hole in the upstairs wall.

When the Broncos handed Brady his first loss in 2005 I posted a photo on my Myspace elated that the Broncos had finally turned the corner and beaten the tyrant that was Brady. "Finally", was my caption. The Patriots played the Broncos this year in the divisional round and I laughed as Brady destroyed them. I don't get it.
In 2006 I rooted for Peyton Manning to beat the Patriots in the AFC championship game. I hate Peyton Manning, and now whenever I read about that game and how the Patriots threw away a 14 point lead at half I cringe and curse the world. I don't get it. They would have gone on to crucify the Bears in the Super Bowl. It makes me sick. Yet I wanted them to lose.

In 2010 the Pats lost to the Jets in the first round after a week of Jet trash talk. I drove my car later that night and could only think about how meaningless life seemed at that point. "They just lost to those assholes. What else do I have to look forward to now?" I drove aimlessly. I didn't even watch the game.

The Patriots went to the Super Bowl in 2012 on a missed Ravens field goal that I saw not on TV, but on a line of text that flashed up on my phone as I followed via Gamecast sitting in my car 9 blocks away from my house. I couldn't watch the game. I didn't watch the game. I screamed in happiness and drove home at 60 mph, through the neighborhood.

I could barely sleep last night thinking about today.

In 2003 Kobe Bryant and the Lakers beat the Houston Rockets in the first round, and I was livid. When the Lakers beat the Spurs in the next round, basically on Derek Fisher's 0.4 second 3-pointer, I (in classic form) fashioned up another shirt, this time saying "Derek Fisher Makes Me Angry" and I cheered when the Pistons 'swept' the Lakers in 5 games later in the Championship.

When the Lakers blew a 24-point lead to the Celtics in game 4 of the 2008 finals I sat in my downstairs living room and stared at the wall for an hour. I sent my girlfriend home. I never let it go.

Tom just threw another TD. I am calm.

In 2010, in the finals rematch, the Lakers won in & and it was one of the most exhilarating feelings, moreso for all the pain that seemed to vanish in the face of some odd exorcism.

The anxiety is so overwhelming I can hardly breathe.

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Postscript : I stopped writing because at that point the game was swinging out of balance. I wasn't even watching it, and I'm glad I didn't. The Patriots ended up losing that Super Bowl to the Giants because of a few botched plays and I sat in the car almost dead. I realized then, however, that it wasn't so much a team I "like" losing that hurt as much as it was knowing that I would have to read all the critics bullshit for years to come: and then it hit me, that the agony I would feel was all because of stuff that had nothing to do with sports, just media garbage. I refused to look at ESPN.com for the next 3 months and instead started experiencing sports firsthand, photographing over 30 sporting events and seeing what it felt like to actually be there, not read about it. Now whenever I check to see a score or something it just feels like some distant thing that never really was that important. This doesn't necessarily mean that the flip-flopping manner I cycle through teams makes any sense, but I think that has to do with trying to exist through something else, through the performance of perfection, a notion I'm too lazy to try and entertain on my own. Once I overcome that it will be all the more easier to stomach the loss of others. I'll be back for the Patriots but I should promise myself that it will be simply for the spectacle and not for the instant gratification, the vicarious nature of living through something else for an idea of self-importance lost because you yourself can't beat the resistance that they did to be able to compete at the highest level.

2013 : Post-postscript
I was right, I did come back for the Patriots. It's hard not to when you have a smartphone. ESPN Scorecenter may you got to hell and burn. The Pats lost to the Ravens (I hate the Ravens) in the AFC Championship. It would have been bad had they lost in the Super Bowl again, so I'm glad that didn't happen. But losing is rough nonetheless. I didn't watch a single game all year. I never do.

After the game began drifting away I sighed and said "Well, it's over", understanding full-well that I wont look at ESPN again for another extended period time. I immediately felt better. No talk about whether Tom Brady is "as good as we all once believed" or whether Belichick can win without spying or if Wes Welker needs to leave or any other noise that exists in a vacuum, it's all one big vacuum. I've never learned anything worthwhile from reading sports media. It glosses the eyes and then vanishes. I guess I like Bill Simmons. That guy is funny. Heh.

The next day I found myself wandering around that gargantuan WinStar Casino on the OK/TX border, "there was this feeling of vastness and expanse, flickering lights and a continuous whirlwind of sound, like churning wonder. The spinning wheels from slot machines. Always spinning, whirring. The bodies were lost", and there was a massive sports section, fit with numerous televisions of epic proportions, all showing some kind of sports news or college game. And there was ESPN. I looked up. "Are Belichick and Brady done?". Who cares. It just doesn't matter. It really, really doesn't. Sports does. Playing sports, watching sports. It's historic, the theatre of competition, the spectacle, time stopping, the collective. Talking about sports? 24 hours a day? Well. Sports was fun for me before 2005, when I started reading about it on ESPN while I was abroad. There must be a reason I so infrequently watch live games now. I just can't bear the criticism, the criticism of people I don't know, by people whose job it is to churn out endless content every waking second. Oh well.

I got to take pictures of Tom Brady before the year turned over. Sadly it was probably the worst sports take I've ever had. But at least there was one I took and I thought "I got you, Tom" and it was nice see him walk off the field at the end almost like he didn't exist. I was there, though. Unlike all of the times previous. That's probably the most important thing, being there. Grabbing that piece of them through a lens. A private moment in public. I felt the same way about Cam Newton. Arian Foster. Michael Phelps. Maybe Kevin Durant. I'll probably never get my chance at Kobe, but he already exorcised my demons so maybe it wont matter. These people you admire for their physical skill and tenacity, they have human moments, too.

Though I guess sports media would make you think otherwise. Or overemphasize their "great qualities" to the point of hilarity. Or it's Manti Te'o. I just don't care. I can't care about it anymore. It's hazardous for the health. Not to mention the amount of stuff you get done when you're not sucked in to the digital world reading about all of the noise so often, during the day of all times. The day. At the UT game in Norman there was a TV in the media room with Sportscenter playing. I walked by and noticed the headline: PAU GASOL RELEGATED TO A RESERVE ROLE. The heads were talking. I shook my own. I hope this lasts.